I've been giving myself a bit of a hard time lately (and by lately I mean for about the past 25 years lol). I'm feeling a bit paranoid about parenting like my parents did, of my child ever feeling the way I did. I have an urge to wrap her up in cotton wool and lock her in a cell where nothing could ever happen to her - you know, coz I couldn't possibly let her live her life, that's far too scary!
Then I get exposed to free spirited parents like Majikfaerie and kick myself for going about it all wrong.
Bub tries to crawl and I want to stop her because I can see ahead and know she's going to fall and get upset. So what do I do? Do I let her get hurt, get upset? Or do I protect her? This mothering caper is making me realise how uptight I am, and how controlling I am.
Even my initial motivations for wanting to freebirth and homeschool were about control. I wanted to control every aspect of my birth experience and my children's education. Of course I realise now that I can't do either of those things, and I don't want to do those things because that would make them other than they are meant to be. And I realise that the whole beauty of learning and birthing is that we can't control them! To control is to stifle and ultimately destroy.
So I've been challenging myself to BACK OFF. My child is going to get hurt, that's just a reality of life. Falling over is part of learning to crawl (and later to walk).
I'm also worried about not enjoying the moments and being present with my bub. I don't want to look back years down the track and think "shit, I wish I had have stopped to smell the roses, I wish I had have actually forgotten about the rest of the world and just sat with her on the floor and be with her, rather than cleaning the house or wishing she was asleep so I could have a break :("
I've also been thinking about something Anna said at the doula course on the first day. She said we should be practicing to be a doula every day of our lives. I'm of the opinion that at birth I am a fabulous doula. I'm present to the moment, and reflexive and thoughtful and calm and attentive and flexible. I don't feel like I am any of those things in my everyday life. I want to endeavour to treat Ealesy and Harri with the same love and respect I find so easy to give to birthing women.
Then I get exposed to free spirited parents like Majikfaerie and kick myself for going about it all wrong.
Bub tries to crawl and I want to stop her because I can see ahead and know she's going to fall and get upset. So what do I do? Do I let her get hurt, get upset? Or do I protect her? This mothering caper is making me realise how uptight I am, and how controlling I am.
Even my initial motivations for wanting to freebirth and homeschool were about control. I wanted to control every aspect of my birth experience and my children's education. Of course I realise now that I can't do either of those things, and I don't want to do those things because that would make them other than they are meant to be. And I realise that the whole beauty of learning and birthing is that we can't control them! To control is to stifle and ultimately destroy.
So I've been challenging myself to BACK OFF. My child is going to get hurt, that's just a reality of life. Falling over is part of learning to crawl (and later to walk).
I'm also worried about not enjoying the moments and being present with my bub. I don't want to look back years down the track and think "shit, I wish I had have stopped to smell the roses, I wish I had have actually forgotten about the rest of the world and just sat with her on the floor and be with her, rather than cleaning the house or wishing she was asleep so I could have a break :("
I've also been thinking about something Anna said at the doula course on the first day. She said we should be practicing to be a doula every day of our lives. I'm of the opinion that at birth I am a fabulous doula. I'm present to the moment, and reflexive and thoughtful and calm and attentive and flexible. I don't feel like I am any of those things in my everyday life. I want to endeavour to treat Ealesy and Harri with the same love and respect I find so easy to give to birthing women.
My notes to self are:
- Chill the fuck out, dude!
- Doula Harri & Eale/Be present with them and for them
